Ever since I was a kid, I have hated the passage of time. Really, I was like Peter Pan, I never wanted to grow up, I even prayed one time that, no matter what I said later in life, when I got to Heaven I wanted to be 8 years old. When I was a teenager, I held onto 16 as long as I could, because like the song says, "changes come around real soon, make us women and men" and I did not want to grow up.
Now, here I am, almost 36 years old, and my new baby is already a week old. My beautiful Karina is three, and at the end of the year, before Elena turns one, she'll be four. It's blowing my mind, and I hate it! Right now, I feel like there isn't enough time for either of them. I keep thinking, I don't hold Elena enough. I'm not paying enough attention to Karina. Karina feels neglected. I'm not bonding with Elena.
My mom assures me this is normal and to expect to live with this torment for the rest of eternity. She said she still feels this way. My one consolation is that, as a daughter myself, having a sibling, I never felt neglected, left out, or unloved. I credit my mom of course. So I keep telling myself if I try to just do my best, they will both feel loved and cared for and important. I hope it's true.
But I'm missing my one on one time with Karina, and I want more one on one time with Elena and I can't have it both ways. It is a terrible feeling. I always wanted two children, I felt in my heart that it was right. I wanted Karina to have a sibling so that in the future, when things start happening to me and Bill (you know, the inevitable), she will not have to go through it alone, because she would have her sibling.
If you read this blog much, you probably know I'm close with my brother. He is one of the main reasons I really wanted two kids. I know that when my mom is gone, I'll still have him, and I know he'll be by my side, as I'll be by his, when these things do happen. I want that for Karina, and Elena.
So that's my wish for them, just to grow up loving each other and caring for each other and to remain close as adults. I figured the best gift I could give them was each other.
But oh, how it hurts me some!
3 comments:
This took me back. I felt that same struggle in the beginning with both of them. The push-pull in my mind drove me crazy, and I really didn't love my youngest that deeply until he was several months old. Whereas I had an immediate cement-like bond with my oldest and soooo much love, I just didn't feel that with my second. It takes time, but I hope you know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. It happens to so many of us!
I can relate! I wanted to have a second child since I was an only child and losing my parents was tough since I didn't have anyone else who could relate.
I'm having a hard time telling if I'm spending enough time with each of the girls now because I have no idea what it's like to have a sibling!
Kathy look at the positive! You get to spend more time with your children than most mothers who are out in the work force every day. Just try to enjoy each day!
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