Mixed Emotions

Tomorrow is Karina's allergy appointment.  I'm so nervous about it, and I can't figure out why.  Okay, that's a lie.  I know exactly why.  I am really hoping she will test not allergic to peanuts, but I know she probably won't.  So it's like I'm bracing for the worst, but still knowingly setting myself up for a bigger disappointment.  Plus, I know Karina will be even more scared than she was last time. 

Then, there's the part of me that gets mad at myself for feeling any kind of disappointment at her allergy at all.  I know there are so many worse things that could be "wrong" with her.  I know she could be very sick or have a much more serious condition.  Her peanut allergy has actually been pretty easy to deal with.  She has not had any reactions at all since the one when she was a year old.  We've never had to use the Epi-Pen (thank goodness) or even Benadryl.  So if she is still allergic, it's probably pretty mild (which I think is unusual). 

My mind constantly goes back to other little ones I know or know of who are facing and fighting much more difficult battles.  A little one I know, whose mom I taught with and who is a friend of mine through school, has been fighting leukemia for the last year, not some lame peanut allergy.  And just recently, many of you probably know, little Emily Hubbel from Coupon Mommy of 3 was diagnosed with a neuroblastoma.  Hers is really serious, while my friend's daughter is actually doing really well.  Emily has just recently started her chemo and treatment, so it's too soon to tell exactly what's going on.  Anyway, the point is that I should be so grateful that all she has is an allergy. 

And I AM thankful, but at the same time, I'm still a mom who wants her daughter to be in perfect health.  I can't help it. 

So I'm still, perhaps stupidly, crossing my fingers that they'll do the scratch test on her back tomorrow and there will be no mark.  Nothing.  And then they can do a food challenge, and she'll inhale half a gallon of peanut butter and laugh about it.  Sigh.  But deep down, I think that won't happen.